dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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My vagina just recognized that song.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I would fuck him just for his dog
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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