I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
