I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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