Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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