Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
