I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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