I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
