I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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