I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
