If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
