He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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