If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?