I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
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Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
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I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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