I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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