i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
