Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
