I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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