i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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