you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
