Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
