Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
