Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
