my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
