The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Sober January is a disaster.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
