Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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