you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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