i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
