I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
