Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
