I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
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It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine