News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
