just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So vagazzling was a success
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.