I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
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I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it