I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous