I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
