Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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