I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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