we made out on top of his cat.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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