You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
