Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
