I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
