I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?