I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"