There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
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SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"