Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
