last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
