my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
