I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
