I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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