Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
