I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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