You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
