he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
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Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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