Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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