A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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