If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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