She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
