Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
